One Year Later, More Hate Mail!

On schedule, here comes yet another hate mail. It's been about a year, which means I was due. This guy is yet another classic. Here is his original, charming letter to me:

I was hoping to find a constructive book to help me learn about computers, but instead I have to read about snot, belly button lint and other disgusting things. I know what is funny and you're not funny...asshole.

My Thoughts

Is "asshole" this guy's name, or is he calling me an "asshole?"

Oh, regardless. But I was curious about where "snot" and "belly button lint" appear in my books. I don't remember writing about them. Then again, I write about 1 million words a year, so I'm not good at remembering what I write anyway. So I violated my own rule and wrote the dork back:

You obviously do not need a book to master the art of a rude and offensive e-mail. Even so, I'm curious: where does "snot" or "belly button lint" appear in any of my books? Or do you have the balls to write me back?

DAN

His Reply

Shockingly he actually replied. He took the bait! Perhaps I didn't need to add the "balls" part? Here is his reply with my comments interspliced:

I apologize for sending a rude e-mail. As a computer guy you should know that computers can make people frustrated. You know, like when YOU try to throw a ball. As a professional no matter what kind of e-mail you get you should respond in a professional way, not challenge me to "have the balls" to write back. (The proper word is testicles.)

(At this point I thought maybe he'd come around and just be thankful that I answered his e-mail. Obviously he is frustrated. But why is he making fun of the way I throw? Could this be an old coach of mine from childhood? Probably. Those guys where jerks!)

I have the PC for Dummies book. By the way, did your mommie call you "Gookie" when you were growing up?

(Ouch! Oh my sides! That's soooo funny!)

Anyway, on pg. 51 you talk about snot and on pg. 52 you talk about boogers and lint in your belly button.

(On page 51 I mention that SNOT is an acronym for System Notification Tray, which Microsoft rejected. But on page 52 I do compare the taskbar to a belly button, minus the lint. Oh no! He's got me!)

Snot, boogers and lint are not funny.

(Well, my 9-year-old will beg to differ.)

They are disgusting. I have several other "dummies" books by other authors. You are the first one to be offensive.

(When I set out to write DOS For Dummies, the editor and I decided to be offensive on purpose. We figured that we would tick off about 10 percent of the readers, but the other 90 percent would love us all the more for it. Though the publisher has since changed that attitude [regrettably], it originally worked quite well. DOS For Dummies sold faster than any other book in history up to that time.)

So lets review: you're not funny, you're unprofessional, you're offensive and disgusting, you can't throw a ball, your mom calls you "Gookie", and I'm starting to question your computer knowledge as well. I know I won't be buying anymore books with your name on it. Have a nice day.
PS This e-mail is an example of something that IS funny. Ask someone. I don't think they will be able to read it without laughing.

Final Thoughts

So? Are you laughing?

Okay. Everyone has a different sense of humor. Obviously I feed whatever it is that consumes this guy. Best that he's left alone to learn about computers from someone who thinks the word "Gookie" is riotously funny.